Shut up

I've been ignored most of my life, screamed at for the rest of it. When I am heard, it's exactly what I want people to hear, or they think I'm a liar. I have the fear of being invisible, ignored, and unseen. I'm usually that, and I'm growing more accustomed to it, but it still kills me. I tend to talk too much because of that, because I just want to be heard, no matter if it's significant or not. (Why would I say significant things to people if I cant even trust them with insignificant stories) I want to be heard, to be known for who I am and be able to let out the truth... but I've never gotten that. I want even just one person or group of people to be honest with, it'd make it so I didn't have to ramble so much.

I chew on the insides of my lips (and sometimes the outsides too) because I can't be that girl who cuts or has crazy makeup or anything else seen as awful. So that means my lips are in shreds from pain (physical and emotional), stress, deep thoughts (usually unexpressed), and not killing people when the abuse me.

I also write on my arms in code because it's the ONE way i can get my crap out. I hate my life for the most part and I have absolutely no one I feel safe letting out all of my past to.

I work too much because I hate my "home" and I just want out (aka: I don't have to be home while I'm working, and I can get the hell out of here once I have the finances) I fill the rest of my time for the same reason...

I don't sleep well, for who knows what reasons *cough* but I end up with a high of 4-5 hours a night, and to be honest girls actually do need "beauty sleep" to look ok, or even average... and girls, at least me for sure, legitly are delicate, as much as I despise that fact.

I want a better future, with people who care. I don't mind being shushed if I'm being dumb and the person does it in the right way... I actually want that, for people to be honest with me and tell the truth.

Yeah, I'm an awful person who sucks at life and has never actually had a best friend. I have the pain from my whole life inside of me. I want to be safe and protected from all of the junk I have to face EVERY DAY... but I'm the "strong" one here. I only just this week started actually telling people when I'm in really bad pain, I'm REALLY GOOD at putting on a flawless face, appearing happy and care free. But I want nothing more than to break, to pour my pain all over the ground and the people around me... I just... can't. Because of all of the stupid things people expect of me, all of the things that have been pounded into me forever.

So feel free to tell me when I need to shut up if you actually care enough to do it right... Or better yet, if you care even more than "enough" ask for the truth... ask to know my code, and actually give a shit about my life. I'll be the gut listener in return, in fact I love to be that person for others... I just need a shot at being normal... at being alive.

Beautiful

I was thinking today about how much I've struggled with not feeling desirable to guys... feeling like there's something wrong with me or that I fail at something, and maybe that's why I've never dated, been kissed, or been legitly pursued. And I realized, I AM good enough for an awesome guy. I shouldn't be ashamed that I have pain in my life (in more ways than one) I shouldn't constantly be worrying about if I'm pretty enough to capture attention, and I should never doubt my worth. I've been chosen by God for some good purpose, and he's kept me pretty darn close to innocent so far. I often wish I had a "past" or a good story to tell, but I don't. I'm just little innocent Alanna, the sinner redeemed by grace, and made holy through Christ, the girl who fails all the time but is in reality very good (only because of Christ in my life). I know that if I didn't have Jesus, I'd be what the Bible calls "a child of darkness, loving the sinful things done in the night"... because those things have been given so much glamor and made to seem so fun... are at times very fun. I want things in my life that are beautiful and good and fun... and sometimes scandalous and sexy too... I want to be the innocent hot girl who's easy to fall in love with and hard to find fault in. I look at biblical lists of what I should be, as a woman of God, and I actually do succeed at most of the things on them (sure I suck up alot of them at moments... but for the majority of my time I do well.) I may not be model material, I may not have many happy things in my life, I may be very innocent, and I will mess up. But I'm telling you today, that I am a woman worth fighting for. I give love like nobody's business, I cook, clean, and do hard work like a champ, I'm not perfect but I shine Christ's perfection. I love to have fun, I'm loyal to people, and I love to serve others. I complain so much less than I probably should (ask me about that... It sounds kinda funny, but it's true.) I really don't have that intense of a "list", aka I'm not picky, and I fall in love easily. I like people with pasts and issues and problems, because they're real and know their need for Jesus. I want respect, because sometimes I'm not good at demanding it, and I get hurt deeply by people who love to cut me down.

I'm not perfect, but I'm good. I'm no model, but I'm beautiful. I want love, and I'm worth it. 
Dear man of my dreams, Pick me. You won't regret it.

PS: I'm kind of scary to some, because I have a big personality... but I had to force myself away from shyness a long time ago. So even though I'm bold and ridiculous at times, I have a quiet shy sensitive side that is much more prominent than it may seem.

All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you. ~ Song of Solomon 4:7

Whether you take that verse as coming from god as a love letter, or from a man to a woman, it says that God made me well, and he made me perfectly in his eyes.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. ~ Psalm 139:14

I am wonderful, God made me, and I should really stop insulting his work. I know better.

So yes, my back and neck are jacked up, my head usually hurts, my feet swell and hurt, and my emotions are agonizing... I wish I had less of a life, and I wish I had more of a life. I wish I had more people in my life, but more than that I want the right people in my life. I want to own nice things, but I'd rather be in the right place. I want to know who my future is meant to be with. I want to have a life without so much physically rough work, so that my back won't be as bad... but I'm looking for a second job. I wish I could give my love without getting stomped on... I miss my brother. ... ALOT.

But right now I have to settle for what I have, I have to take what I get and be "joyful".
I was asked the other day buy a guy working on my back if I just put on a happy face, yes I do, and I'm pretty good at it too. I'm so used to the pain that I'm used to working around it and just making do. But I'd love to have a life someday where I don't have to settle for pain, hatred and discontentment. I don't think it's wrong to want to be provided for, and loved, and protected... sometimes I think that's entitled, but as a child of God, I'm worth that; not on my own... but in Christ. I was at Maranatha again this weekend, I usually can't help crying when I leave there, but I guess I've gotten even better at holding my tears in... I wanted to cry, I felt the tears inside, but I kept a flawless surface. It's that way with most of my emotions and when I do let myself be a little bit of a jerk, I feel like crap for treating other people the way that I'm treated. I keep seeing scripture talking about joy and such... and how our joy comes from Christ... I'm trying so hard to find joy in Christ and in who he is and who he's made me, and what he's done for me... but I legitimately can't find anything around me to be joyful for or about. Small hints come during many days, of things that could be... but I'm stuck in a life that's so full that it's empty. I keep having to look at what life's always been, and to be honest I get angry. Angry at what should be, angry at what never has been, and angry at what might never be. I hate having to stop and look at my pain, because it's so good... and so painful all at the same time. that kind of good pain that you love because you know it will make you better tomorrow. So, I want someone in my life who will call out of me my deepest pain, and call me on my silence... and love me through my pain. Someone who sees me for what I am, deeper than surface value. The idea is so good that it's almost scary to me, because it's so foreign. I'm a good actress, playing off my pain, hiding my emotions and scars. Stage makeup fixes and changes alot... but for me all it can do is hold me together, keep me from shattering.

<3 Alanna