I have so much hurt in my life. So much pain fear and anxiety, and nothing to do with it yet. I've come to grips with alot of it, but i know it'll all just get worse if i try to run from it. The people who've given me the worst cuts and scars, are people that i am stuck with, day in and day out. When i accidentally let the truth slip about what i want to do, need to get, feel towards them, and how much i want to just leave it all... they pull petty pity games. Saying how much i'm hurting them by saying how much they hurt me, i can't get around it. Right now all of the things i need the most, are things i don't and can't have yet. The only people i can trust, don't want my trust. And my only options, aren't options. I'm trying so, so hard to do the right things. I want my life to conform to God's plan, and i'm so scared i'll do something to mess it up. I can't figure out what direction to head, where God can possibly get me to from here. I've had to learn a million tons of faith in God over the last month, and relying only on him, even when i see nothing good from him at all... Seeing as i'm getting Nothing good from this world right now, i've kinda had to lean on him, even though i feel as if i'm rapidly falling past where his shoulder was supposed to be and my face is about to smash into the ground... again. I'm doing my absolute best to live every day as if i'm right in the center of God's will, but i feel as if his will has me in the middle of a hurricane, not at the eye, but at the bad part. I want out. I've always wanted to be one of those girls, that when you look at them, joy just radiates from them in their every motion. Everyone wants to be near them because their joy is so contagious. No matter what they wear, they look perfect and beautiful, because they walk with a bounce in their step, and their whole being just seems beautiful and happy. I hope and pray that someday i'll have a better reason to be happy, than just because i find happiness beautiful, and because people expect me to be joyful... I want people to look at me and see who i really am,
I am, and strive to be, a woman of god in all aspects.
I am, and plan to stay, pure.
I love to be crazy and have fun and act like a child.
I love to love, but i hate when people take advantage of that fact.
I forgive easily, sometimes too easily, because i can't stand to not give people the benefit of the doubt.
I have so many insecuritys about myself, I know they'd go away if i had the right people around me, people willing to look at my insecurities and flaws, and see my beauty.
I'm super innocent, i've never done very bad things, though sometimes i wish i had.
I want to do crazy, off the wall things that still honor god.
I want to fight all of the things that people in the church think of me. They think i'm the "good little church girl". I don't want to be bad, but i don't want to be a hypocritical christian just because i am good.
I love different and unique things.
I'm attracted to guys that are tender christian warriors... but are completely different from other people, ones who stand out, and aren't afraid to speak their minds.
I need a man to be with that i want to respect, because so many guys these days are not worthy of my respect, even christian ones.
I've been ignored alot in my life, i wish people would want to hear me.
I feel stupid alot, and i've always been super competitive because i always feel like a looser.
That's alot of what i am, take it or leave it. But if you know me and do care and love me for who i am... it'd be really nice to hear it. I sure don't see it right now, so it'd mean the world to me just to hear that you actually care.
Night,
Alanna
I am, and strive to be, a woman of god in all aspects.
I am, and plan to stay, pure.
I love to be crazy and have fun and act like a child.
I love to love, but i hate when people take advantage of that fact.
I forgive easily, sometimes too easily, because i can't stand to not give people the benefit of the doubt.
I have so many insecuritys about myself, I know they'd go away if i had the right people around me, people willing to look at my insecurities and flaws, and see my beauty.
I'm super innocent, i've never done very bad things, though sometimes i wish i had.
I want to do crazy, off the wall things that still honor god.
I want to fight all of the things that people in the church think of me. They think i'm the "good little church girl". I don't want to be bad, but i don't want to be a hypocritical christian just because i am good.
I love different and unique things.
I'm attracted to guys that are tender christian warriors... but are completely different from other people, ones who stand out, and aren't afraid to speak their minds.
I need a man to be with that i want to respect, because so many guys these days are not worthy of my respect, even christian ones.
I've been ignored alot in my life, i wish people would want to hear me.
I feel stupid alot, and i've always been super competitive because i always feel like a looser.
That's alot of what i am, take it or leave it. But if you know me and do care and love me for who i am... it'd be really nice to hear it. I sure don't see it right now, so it'd mean the world to me just to hear that you actually care.
Night,
Alanna
