I hate it when people take my heart and take advantage of it. *thrown in the dirt, stomped on, ground into the gravel, run through a meat grinder, and tossed overboard* I can't help but think that it's not fair... which it's not... but It's still more than I deserve. I'm constantly re-gifting my heart, somehow I manage to get it back near one piece and then... do I learn? No. I give it back to the same people and the cycle replays itself over, and over, and over again. But yet... it never ceases to amaze me that, for some bazaar reason, I can't bring myself to want to keep it in my own hands. I want to share myself with the people who've been put in my way to (as I keep seeing it) love. I've almost lost my ability to cry... which is not good. Like, I often want to cry, and I have really good reasons... I've just gotten way too good at hiding it, and now... I almost can't cry even when I should. I want so badly to be wanted, and needed, and legitimately loved by someone... that I often want to just, leave. The thought and image of getting in my car with all i need and love, and just... driving away, is one of the things I've always dreamed about. Getting away from the people who so love to damage me. Finding a place to call my home... or maybe just being a wanderer. I don't know, but the thought is so attractive in my head.
I've been known to refer to this as "my car"... what would and wouldn't be in my car, who I might allow in my car... I want to have people in my car with me, but no one's on the list anymore/yet. They've either stomped on me, or express no interest of entering my car. They have enough problems of their own, and they don't want to drive away. I wish I had an excuse like the disciples, Jesus told them to follow, without any prep, any excuse, or any idea... I know it was probably hard for them... but I want nothing more than to follow Jesus to the end of the earth... I wouldn't care if I had to sleep on a rock. I'd just like to see a tiny light of direction in my life. If you want to be in my car... well, you'll have to ask me. If not, I really should be used to it by now. God is the only thing holding me together, even though I see none of it.

ps: I have to leave the house at 6:30 in the morning (this morning) to get my brother from the airport. He's got 14 days of leave for Christmas. I'm really under-enthusiastic. But you better know I'll put on my cute loving litter sister facade. I'd have to say the worst part of tomorrow will be having my mother along though, she acts like she has no clue, and spins all of the focus back to herself. I'm really inclined to hate her... I don't, but she does deserve it. (if you know my mother, you have no clue and think I'm a wretch right now. If you don't, you'll probably think she's great when you meet her... you just don't know my part) It's only the Christ in me allowing me to be in this house without making everyones lives more of a hell. And it's only him allowing me to keep giving love.

I apologize if this upsets anyone, but I'd love to explain if you actually care and enter the situation with an untainted perspective.

This week... oh, this week.

This has been one roller coaster of a week. Filled with crazy joy and love... as well as alot of pain and stabs in the back. I've been studying recently on what I'm supposed to "be" as a Christ follower, and making a list of things I'm supposed to be pursuing. At the top of the list is (duh) to be constantly striving to be closer to God... while this may sound somewhat simple... it is in actuality very very hard. Each time (ever) in my life that I've had a crazy high in which I see God's greatness and goodness, and I see that I have legitimate reason to follow him... It's never lasted long, and it's usually followed by months or years of junk. I can't help but think that if I was even the slightest bit weaker or less stubborn, I'd either a) have no trace of God in my life. b)have had more good times provided so that I could hold on easier. or c) offed myself a long time ago. I don't really care if that sounds biblical or not. But in my life... I've only kept holding to Christ because I didn't want to quit, I had no reason (that I perceived) to hold on a single day more... for years. Am I still here today? yes. Can I tell you why that is?... No. I've been in alot of darkness while holding up a perfect white facade throughout my whole life. I've been working hard to let go of and let out that pain, and to actually drop my walls to some of the world... it's not easy, it's not fun... But one of my stupid human desires is to be loved for who, what and, why I am. And I can't ever expect that... from anyone, unless I make the effort to let them see what I really am.
Now obviously, I am loved by God. He came as perfection because of his love for my stupid self. He died for me and in that gave me every reason to go on living to proclaim his name. He is good. He knows why I'm going through all of this shit stuff, and he can always hold me through it. ... but my life has been very... (or at least it feels this way) void of his attention and affection. I'm being an idiot... I know. But I've said it before and I'll say it again, this blog is for truth. NOT for me to be perfect and correct. Of the many places in my life that I have to hold myself together... this is the one where I don't bother to. I need a place to just get my stuff on a page, so this blog ends up being a bipolar mess depending on my head and life at current. I think everyone needs somewhere to do this, whether is be a trusted friend, straight to god, a journal or a blog or whatever... life sucks... even the most "blessed" of us have crappy times... but all I've got... is that God is good. I only say that because he says so, and he also tells us that he doesn't lie. I'm cleaving to God even when I can't feel him there or gain any comfort from him... He is my protector, my refuge, my strength and my all. Funny how my All can be the same God who's invisible and often absent feeling... but he manages it. And I'm trying to work my life around such.

Dear God, I love you. You alone keep/kept me alive for you. I'm your vessel, molded by you, made for you. That means that you can fill me or empty me, mend me or shatter me as you see fit. I don't often like it or have the right attitude about it, but you gave me breath to be used for you. Help me to reflect you even when I'm blinded, mute and broken. You say you'll not give me more than I can handle, that is your truth, and I choose to believe that to my end even when I feel as though you have. Help me to be your light in others lives that are being darkened by this world, so that they too can live for you, or even just take each next breath knowing that as despicable as this all is, you are still God, and you are still All. I'm yours, even though I'm wounded and messed up, please be yourself through me so that people can see me as a whole because of you. You saved me, you sustain me, and you aren't done with me yet. You. Are. Good. Thanks God.

Bleach it

I just ran into some things that I could have done without knowing... ever. I want to erase it from my memory just like i erased it from existence... but it's stuck in my head now. I couldn't have avoided it even if I tried and I guess it's just one more of those things that's trying it's best to tear me away from all that I hold true to... *sigh* it sucks, but no. I'm not about to lean on anything else - negative or positive - to uphold me when life goes awry. My God is more than enough to do that, without a bit of help. I'm day by day figuring out how to maneuver through this life better, and I'm working hard on keeping my priorities straight. As long as I've had the desire to grow in this relationship with my savior, he's given me the opportunities - hard ones, ones I failed at alot - to trust and rely more on him. I can't do life without him and I'm not going to try.
The only way I want to look at people in my life is this, seeing them as God's creations who need to constantly be getting closer to him. It doesn't matter if they know him or not, that just makes it my job to let them know.
I put too much stock in humans often times, I know I'll always have issues with that but I want to at least be able to look in my life and see that I'm doing my best possible to put all of my stock in God. I can't wait to see all of the people that are in, and will show up in my life and be so filled with a Christ minded attitude that I can be built up by them and be able to build on them right back. Because we're not building with our own strength or goodness... but with the strength and grace and love that God works through us.
This life will every day... or at least every week, throw junk at us that's only meant to tear us. But if we run straight to Jesus with it... he will be the one to hold us close to himself, God. And we can really know his freedom.

I know this was probably all slightly a.d.d. but It's the way my head chose to work tonight.

<3 Alanna