Sorry, I said this blog would be less pain and complaint filled. I lied.
I feel like i'm the middle of an ocean, with no friends, no boat, no life raft. Just when i'm about to drown, to let peaceful bliss overwhelm me as i stop fighting the water in my lungs, someone pulls my head above the surface. Just long enough for my body to retch out the water and get the slightest gasp of air, craving more wanting to forget i'm still in the water. That's right about where i get pulled under again. And the whole process starts over again, screaming, crying, trying to fight drowning. wanting nothing more than to get out of the water, as i fight i slowly fade once again to the existence of knowing i'm a gonner, peacefully letting the water once again consume my broken beaten self. Trying to forget that there ever was air. Then i'm jerked above again, retching burning pain again. This is real, i'm still in agony, and the people that pull me up even for a second are the only ones who are keeping me from actually giving in to drowning. I would love nothing more in this moment then to let the water break me, kill me, sending me home. But someone won't let me. No mater how many times i try to hide the water, hide the ocean, someone dumps in just one more bucket of water. In my ocean, one bucket may be but a drop, but it's enough to make me scream and fight once again below the surface. That is how i feel, where i am, where i can't seem to leave. It's like god is letting me go through the worst torture over and over, but he won't let me die from it, it just continues over and over. I heard a sermon yesterday about jonah, how he ran from god, got thrown overboard, and swallowed by a fish. The guy was talking about how we run away from god, are stupid, and sometimes the fish, which sucks, is the best thing that could have happened to us after the fact. (Read Amos 4:6-11 it is about turning back to god as well, if only i wasn't already turned toward god, i could turn back.) Only problem, i never ran from god, i was just on the ship where he put me, got pushed overboard, and there's no fish, or if i am inside the fish i'm still drowning and i see no reason that i got eaten. I wish i had run, that i had a reason for why i'm here, but i didn't i was following God the best i possibly could as a human, and i'm still turned to him. i never ran. All i want to know is why? but even that's a question i don't get to ask.
So i'm going to keep on giving even if it feels like it's from my very core. I have faith that eventually these chapters will pass, that i'll be filled to overflowing, and that even through all of this, that God has a plan. I'm still drowning, still wanting, still crying out, but still giving, and still wanting to help the others who are where i am. I know deep down, that even if it killed me, i'd be willing to give to the people that need it, empty as i am, even though i'm drowning.
I feel like i'm the middle of an ocean, with no friends, no boat, no life raft. Just when i'm about to drown, to let peaceful bliss overwhelm me as i stop fighting the water in my lungs, someone pulls my head above the surface. Just long enough for my body to retch out the water and get the slightest gasp of air, craving more wanting to forget i'm still in the water. That's right about where i get pulled under again. And the whole process starts over again, screaming, crying, trying to fight drowning. wanting nothing more than to get out of the water, as i fight i slowly fade once again to the existence of knowing i'm a gonner, peacefully letting the water once again consume my broken beaten self. Trying to forget that there ever was air. Then i'm jerked above again, retching burning pain again. This is real, i'm still in agony, and the people that pull me up even for a second are the only ones who are keeping me from actually giving in to drowning. I would love nothing more in this moment then to let the water break me, kill me, sending me home. But someone won't let me. No mater how many times i try to hide the water, hide the ocean, someone dumps in just one more bucket of water. In my ocean, one bucket may be but a drop, but it's enough to make me scream and fight once again below the surface. That is how i feel, where i am, where i can't seem to leave. It's like god is letting me go through the worst torture over and over, but he won't let me die from it, it just continues over and over. I heard a sermon yesterday about jonah, how he ran from god, got thrown overboard, and swallowed by a fish. The guy was talking about how we run away from god, are stupid, and sometimes the fish, which sucks, is the best thing that could have happened to us after the fact. (Read Amos 4:6-11 it is about turning back to god as well, if only i wasn't already turned toward god, i could turn back.) Only problem, i never ran from god, i was just on the ship where he put me, got pushed overboard, and there's no fish, or if i am inside the fish i'm still drowning and i see no reason that i got eaten. I wish i had run, that i had a reason for why i'm here, but i didn't i was following God the best i possibly could as a human, and i'm still turned to him. i never ran. All i want to know is why? but even that's a question i don't get to ask.
But who are you, a human being, to talk back to God? “Shall what is formed say to the one who formed it, ‘Why did you make me like this?’” Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for special purposes and some for common use? - Romans 9:20-21
Job 38-41We see stories in the bible like Job, he didn't do anything wrong before he got kicked to the curb, but he still had to stay there for 41 chapters. I'm still doing my best to follow god, i haven't turned away or run away, and i'm not planning on it. I'm still praying like crazy that he'll redeem me from my gutter, hoping i see light someday soon, and praying to be sustained. But i've seen nothing. I'm still stuck in the first 37 chapters, where Job didn't hear a peep out of god. I just want out, i want freedom joy and love, i want people to care, and to see god care. A friend was talking to me the other day about people in general and how disgusted she is when she sees them staying in depression. She thinks that even when people are in the worst things, they still need to choose joy and dwell on the happier things, not worry, not question. To an extent, yes. the bible says to not worry about tomorrow, that tomorrow will worry about itself and each day has enough problems on it's own (Matthew 6:34). But too, we shouldn't be expected to pretend that everything is ok and life is fine and dandy all the time. I cried for a long time last night because of something small that someone didn't do for me. I thought i would get a little bit of good from this person, but i didn't. Said person did the right thing, and i don't hold anything against them, they were being noble and following god by not helping me. But still it was really really hard for me to get (what i saw as) just one more form of rejection. See, i have so many stupid insecurities that people don't/won't like me, and that they'll just pretend to like me (i'm working on that, i know it's an unfair view). Right now i can only think of about four people that i know do genuinely care, but they're all far away, or busy, or can't show care the ways i need it most. So when this friend didn't show me "care" in the way that i crave it, i felt like they were, in that small way, saying that they didn't care about me anymore. I know i was wrong, and i know that wasn't at all them depriving me "care", but that's what my mind got, from a combination of my own insecurities, lack of just about any care, and being in alot of pain anyway. I'm a person who loves, and gives love, and cares about people. Even the ones who don't deserve it or that i get nothing back from. I want to be the kind of person that can give, care for, and love everyone around me. But i've heard it compared to a bank account, that when you give, you need to be getting, otherwise you'll go broke. In another sermon i heard yesterday, the pastor was saying to let God fill your "bank account" , just let god, and you won't ever write checks that bounce. I'm doing all i can to "let God" fill my account, but i'm not getting anything. I've been giving, and giving, and giving, and caring, and loving, and it's empty. But i'm still giving, and all it's doing is breaking my body, all the fat (theoretically) is gone, and it's eating my very muscles. I can't stop though, because i can't stand to think that i'm not giving someone else something that might be the one thing sustaining them (yes, sustainment comes from god, i'm not throwing that in the trash, but if they just so happen to be in the same boat... strike, ocean as me, and are seeing nothing from god, i very well could be the only one depositing into their account at the time). So even if it kills me and burns me all the way to the bone, i'm not about to stop giving to people, i'm not going to say no to someone unless god himself tells me no. Which is actually what happened with that person who didn't deposit into my account it turned out. That hurt alot, finding out that god didn't want me to get that "care" at that time. I still don't really understand it, and i don't know if i ever fully will, but that's what it is for right now.
So i'm going to keep on giving even if it feels like it's from my very core. I have faith that eventually these chapters will pass, that i'll be filled to overflowing, and that even through all of this, that God has a plan. I'm still drowning, still wanting, still crying out, but still giving, and still wanting to help the others who are where i am. I know deep down, that even if it killed me, i'd be willing to give to the people that need it, empty as i am, even though i'm drowning.
