Sigh... here goes, This blog's purpose was for me to be able to vent, speak without being shut down, and just straight up be honest. I like it that way, if you're one of the few people I allow to read it then I must trust you for some reason. I'm just going to be honest about some of my flaws, and feelings/thoughts right now because I need to get them out. I do my very best to follow christ with my every breath, talk to him about everything, and be in his word every day. I fail at that alot, but I sure do try. I want nothing more than to be a strong woman of God, constantly shining his light, but I often find myself in places that really don't look like God's plan. I've never really felt beautiful or attractive in any way, I usually deal with this by joking about myself, which doesn't help me at all. I know I'm made in God's image and he made me just how I am and all that jazz... but it's still one of the hardest things ever to like myself. I've heard people say that in order to love your neighbor as yourself (commandment 2 according to Jesus) you need to work on loving yourself. I really don't love myself all that much, but I always try to treat people the best I possibly can, so I think I have some things backwards. I usually feel rejected, unloved, and like a leper; unlovable and unseen. It's probably false, but I see alot of things as rejection and even hatred or annoyance. I have to work so hard to even talk to people just because I think they already dislike me... let alone be honest with them about my life. I'm who I am, I'm not fake, I worked really really hard to get rid of the lies in and about me, so what you see is what you get. Whenever I feel the hint of pursuit, or even admiration, I get my hopes sky high... because even if I might not like the person, just the fact that someone likes me, builds on my self esteem like no other thing. I get told by some of my friends that I'm beautiful... I find it super hard to believe, like it's just one of those things that people say to be nice. In trying so hard to be myself, I get told i have a "strong personality" I'm not really sure what that means... but I know people usually either love me or hate me (or so I'm told) If "strong" means that I'm tough or independent, or just not weak... it's one of those things that if I wasn't/ am not strong... I'd be dead or a wreck, so I thing that aspect of it will leave if I get somewhere where I'm accepted, loved and feel safe. (if that ever happens) I love the Idea of God being a strong tower and a shelter... I need that more than anything. I haven't really felt/seen him as that in my life... but I guess maybe if he wasn't that I would be dead, idk. I wish that I had a human protector, weather that came in the form of a husband or a brother... I'm not too picky. But my dad hasn't really been able to do much for me, he's always working just to keep the bills paid, and when he's free... well, he's usually got more work to do. As far as my brothers go, well... Ben and I haven't really ever gotten along that well, I'm working alot on being a better sister to him... but I don't really have him as a brother. And Gabe... ... ... he's probably my favorite person in the whole entire world, but he's gone with the military and hasn't even been able to write to me. He's one of the very few people I've ever been honest with, and I'm missing that more than anyone can possibly understand. Damn, I'm definitely crying now. I don't really have him as a brother right now either, and he's never been that much of a "protector" to me I guess... but he's one of the people I can trust... and some of the deepest wounds I've had have come from him... just because I've let him in, so when he has stabbed me, It's hurt like none other. I'm strong because I don't have anyone to be strong for me... and I don't see anyone to be that for me right now. I get hurt really easily, but I usually just hide it or assume I'm being an idiot. People can trample over me and I usually end up thinking it's my fault. I want to feel loved. I don't often hear it from people and when I do it's usually just a response to my "I love you" or just kind of a fakey goodbye, or because people just think it's the "right" thing to say. They really don't get that when I say it, I mean it, every time. I have such a strong will to give love, I've never been able to keep it to myself. I fall for people really easily (as in, I fall in love easily... just in general, not necessarily "fall in love" in the boy girl sense). I can't make myself stop loving people, even when they stab me in the back I find myself still giving them the benefit of the doubt (even when I shouldn't) there have been very few people that I've stopped showing my love to, and those I had to force myself to stop because it wasn't good for me in any way shape or form. There have been many people who don't deserve, or even care about my love... they see it, and throw it in the dirt without even realizing that they don't care. I want so much to be where God wants me, but I feel like I missed something... and I'm being forgotten about in the wrong place. I know that's false, and that God hasn't turned his back on me... but I'm still wounded and hurt. I've said it before, but my biggest scars (both hypothetical ones, and real ones) have come from the people who are supposed to love me the most... who I've never stopped loving even when it's bad for me in every way to love them. I hate that fact, but it's my life... and it's forced me to know more than most other people ever will about grief, pain, despair, hidden brokenness, and being abused... I've learned how to go to God even when/though I don't have a bit of proof he's there or cares. I know how to work through the darkness and am usually able to keep my focus on the one who keeps me alive. (God, if you're dense) I've somehow learned to worship in the worst pain... and mean it. So I know God has taught/ is constantly teaching me things through everything I despise. But I'd really like to be provided for... my dad hasn't ever been able to make ends meat... even though he tries harder than anyone I know. I've literally lived in poverty my whole life, though I've managed quite nicely to hide it. My family lived on 16 thousand per year, for a long time... that's with five of us, and somehow made it through. I buy my own clothes and gas, alot of my own food, and I pay for all of my necessities. I'm 17 but I feel like I'm 75, I have more stress and pain than I know what to do with... and no one to believe me. I live with my parents, but there's no real living done here. I want out of my life... but I'm just stuck, year after year. I hope for so many great things, and I know there are at least a few someday... but I still can't kick the thought that this is all I'll ever see, that I can work for God's kingdom 'til the day I die... and I might be forced to live in my own version of hell the whole time. I'm sorry if I ramble, I'm sorry if I annoy you, I'm sorry if you don't like me, I'm sorry if you don't believe me or even care... But I do my best, I'm in pain, and all I want is love. I'm wounded and scarred, but I will love you if you need it, probably even if you don't need it too, because God saw fit to make me a lover and his tool in that way... so I'm sorry if you don't like that. I want to be honest with people and I'd love it if people cared... but they usually don't. If you care about me and really do love me in any way, thank you so much. I'd love to see it and I hope I don't ever take advantage of you like I've been taken advantage of.
This was a huge dump session, and I hope you don't hate me for it... though I wouldn't blame you. But goodnight... If you actually care to know some of my scars... I'll be honest if I think I can trust you. Just ask, pry even. I've really appreciated people who have pried things out of me in the past... I sometimes don't share my pain very easily, but I would really love to share if you want to know.
<3 Alanna
This was a huge dump session, and I hope you don't hate me for it... though I wouldn't blame you. But goodnight... If you actually care to know some of my scars... I'll be honest if I think I can trust you. Just ask, pry even. I've really appreciated people who have pried things out of me in the past... I sometimes don't share my pain very easily, but I would really love to share if you want to know.
<3 Alanna
