Robot (with no batteries)

I can't do this anymore. I've been exactly what I've "needed" to be, what I thought I was supposed to be. But it's not me. There's a girl who I was made to be... and I'm not her. I'm in a world where I'm lost even though I have Jesus, it makes no sense. I hide every conceivable bit of pain that I can, and put on fake "perfection in imperfection"... I'm a robot. I can't remember the last time I cried before tonight. I've become so good at pain that I can mask my every emotion. I know that, and I'm trying to train myself to be more human again. I may be a robot... but one with dead or missing batteries. There's absolutely no reason that I'm still functioning.
I don't know why God couldn't have taken me this weekend, just let me break my neck and be done with it.
I'm at a place where I don't even care what my "great future" is... or if I'm impacting people, or even if I have some huge purpose down the line. I just. don't. care anymore. I can't care, if I do I'll kill myself. I've got too much on my plate and none of it is good... or even healthy, and more just keeps getting added to it.
I want to be in a world of beauty... but I'm stuck with only pain.

I can't even stand, but I'm forced to run.
I cant breathe, but I'm singing.
I can't move, but I'm fighting.
I can't speak, but I'm praying.
My voice is gone, but I'm screaming.
My heartbeat has stopped, but I'm still loving.

I. am. done.

Owwchie!!!

Question: how is it possible to hurt this much after almost breaking your neck?

Reason for question: I almost broke my neck last night.

Story behind question: Well I was tubing (on an ice/snow tubing hill) I hit a jump weird somehow and ended up with my feet way too far over my head riding on my face/neck for about 3 feet. doesn't sound like that big of a deal, but I legitly thought I was dead for about 4 seconds... then the pain set in and I heard people around me. Ian: "Are you ok!?!?" Some other male: *to the people at the top* "Hold up! We've got an injury!". I couldn't breath... not a breath. but somehow I said "I'm ok" got up, walked over to a bench (which was made out of skis, awesome!) and I couldn't breathe for about 45 seconds. I think there were some tears on my face out of pure pain but they were gone quickly... even though everything still hurt like a... um... it hurt. I don't know just why I didn't die... from the locations of the scrapes I don't know how my head's still on. Everyone thought I was dead... no joke.
But, I lived, and everything is still the same as it was. Few people notice/care about my pain, and few people have said that they're glad I survived...

Reason I'm alive: (well obviously Jesus) Before I left the room to go tubing I told my girls (jokingly) to pray for me, "that I didn't die"... I found out later that they actually did. I really and truly think that's the only reason my neck and/or back isn't broken. I half regret asking for that prayer... half, because if I'd died... I would be in heaven right now, out of all pain.

Theory: I guess for some bizarre reason God still wants me on this planet. We will have to see why.