Razor Blade

I just caught my cat playing with a razor blade... can you say not safe? haha but random me, i was thinking philosophically about the whole thing in relation to my life. In many ways, at least that i'm seeing in my own life, dancing on a razor blade almost seems like the safest place to be... is it? probably not, but like i said... that's how it appears right now. Going the dangerous route, because there's a slight chance it'll make you more happy in the end, in contrast to going the safe route, and always being safe, bored, and only slightly happy. My parents think i'm something of a fool when i tell them my plans... for reasons like money, and possible failure. So i've somewhat stopped telling them what i want to do, i know it'll get shot down. They got mad at me the other day when i wouldn't tell them what i wanted to do with my life. I was as respectful as i possibly could be, while telling them that they'd just have to wait and see. I understand now the people that i've been completely baffled by their secrecy... in some ways it's from fear, in others from knowledge, and in others... a little bit, it's from faith... Faith that as long as they're striving for god's goal, that everything will work out.

Commit to the LORD whatever you do,
   and he will establish your plans. - Proverbs 16:3

 Meh... I read a verse yesterday that was AWESOME!!! but i've now spent an hour trying to find it, and i can't remember for the life of me where it is... but it basically says that if our plans and ideas are done and thought with the right heart, aimed toward god, that there's no way we can do something that god doesn't want us to. So if i'm on a really sharp razor blade, and god wants me there, then i'm more than willing to be here for a while because i know it'll all turn out good in the end. and if god puts me through some really darn hard stuff, i'll make it through, i already have made it through alot, and i know now that he's only let me go through what i've been through because he knows i'm strong. Strong enough to stay with/come back to him, no matter what i go through. I may have a more modest purpose than what i hope, heck, i may even be a chamber pot. but if that's what the potter wants, then so be it. I know now that i'm strong for a reason.

But who are you, a human being, to talk back to God? “Shall what is formed say to the one who formed it, ‘Why did you make me like this?’” Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for special purposes and some for common use? - Romans 9:20-21

No test has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tested beyond what you can bear. But when you are tested he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. - 1 Corinthians 10:13

Night... er... Morning,

Alanna

Only one who gets me.

Some people i know see praying as a boring requirement in the christian life, others as some way to spiritually advance themselves, and still others pray out loud with beautiful words, and graceful speech as a way to make themselves look like the good christian. Some see it as a genuinely incredible tool and a way of communication and fellowship with God, and they just so happen to have pretty words... I on the other hand, am not diagnosed with add or adhd... but my mind is insane... the thoughts run a million miles an hour and i can never get them out the way i mean them, and if i do no one gets them, or sometimes they don't even apply because my mind ran away and i'm way ahead of myself and everyone else i'm with... so... many times, i a) don't say anything because i can't get it out the right way. b) End up saying something stupid, or that doesn't make sense to anyone but me. c) get so caught up with my own brain that i accidentally leave the conversation far behind. So it'll take a really devoted/motivated person that 1) cares about what i think 2) tries to find out and 3) sticks with me long enoug to actually know who i am on the inside. So... basically i have a hard time getting my thoughts out the right way, they get jumbled or i forget words. If you know me well and have heard me pray, i'm not scared or shy to pray, but my prayers are usually pretty short and to the point. No one's ever heard me pray alone (obviously) but it's so much more of a personal, and exhilarating fantastic experience for me. Because i can say what i want, how i want, and think what i want, without worrying about sounding stupid, or being misunderstood, and if the words don't make it to my lips before my mind's on to another subject... he still gets them. He's the only one i've ever talked to that doesn't laugh at what i say, or not get it, or miss out on the little things that are flying through my head at a rate far too fast for me to get them out. It's just a crazy thing for me, being able to be all that i am, and knowing that he gets it. I don't have to use big words, i don't have to get all of my words out before moving on, and i don't have to hide scared inside my own head. I've never ever had a more intimate conversation than the ones i get to have with God. Because i haven't run into the person/people yet that might be able to get me... i've run into some... but not in a way as fantastically exhilarating as prayer. I know i sound like a fool, but i don't really care. At least i'm a fool for the right reasons. It's a little crazy too, because i've never heard/felt a response, some people have described things like that, and i can't relate. Hopefully i'll be able to someday, but not yet. I think that almost makes it more incredible for me though because i have no proof i'm being heard, no physical sign. I have to have faith and hope that i'm being listened to, and cared for, and things are happening because of it. (no proof other than the bible at least... i'm talking physical, in my own life) I hope one day that i'll find people that get me, even a little bit. That'd be incredible... but I have God. He cares, he gets it, he already knows it all in fact... so that's good.

 Before a word is on my tongue
   you, LORD, know it completely. Psalm 139:4

 There's only one who gets me... all of me, and understands what he gets. Thank the lord for that!