And One Slap in the Face Please Or No Please.

Last night as i was driving home, I came to the absurd (absurd because it should have been obvious) realization that i need a lot more contentment. There are soooooo many things that i want, and even some that i need, that i don't have... but I can't constantly be unhappy with what i don't have... i need to focus more on what i do have... I was thinking too about the story in John 13, where Jesus washes his disciples feet. When he tells the disciples what he's planning, they refuse, saying (in Alanna's International Paraphrase) No way Jesus! that's a servants job, You're WAY too good to do this... And he was, but wash their feet he did. I haven't quite been looking at him that way... I mean, he was too good to come here, he was too good to die, he was too good for Us... He was WAY to good to do that... in so many ways. And i think often i take for granted that he already died for anyone who believes... I believe, I'm going to heaven, I really really need him otherwise i'd be screwed, he would have died even if it was just for me... I've always gotten that he was awesome loving perfect and the redeemer... but he's too good, even if it had been just for me, for one pathetic foolish stupid ungrateful person... My point being, If he was too good to do what he did for me,but did it anyway. Where do i get off acting too good for where he has me, because like it or not, hopeful for the future or not... HE has me here... I'm not here just because of my own choices, he knows where i'm supposed to go and when... he placed the freakin' stars for crying out loud (I've just got one word for you, Betelgeuse) I think he can take care of where he wants me to go. So contented is what i'm trying for... *sigh* even when all i want is tomorrow (i'm referring to always wanting "tomorrow"... not to Easter)

Contentment: 

1.     mentally or emotionally satisfied with things as they are
2.     assenting to or willing to accept circumstances, a proposed course of action, etc
3.     to make (oneself or another person) content or satisfied: to content oneself with property
4.     peace of mind; mental or emotional satisfaction
5.     from Old French, from Latin contentus  contented, that is, having restrained desires, from continēre  to restrain

I catch myself thinking "Father, if you choose to take me soon,  I'll be thrilled." I'm so unhappy with where I am and my options for where I can soon be.... that I spit in God's face by telling him that I'm not ok where he has me, when I know damn well that i'm capable of thanking him through wherever he puts me, good or bad... Life is a short night in a bad hotel, and sometimes we can't help being grief stricken by it... but when we are able, we sure as hell better be thanking God as if we were in the Ritz... because we deserve none of this let alone what's to come.

Love, 

Aspiring contented person, 

Alanna

Craaaaaaap!!!

Shoot! Here comes good guy number 2. I hate HaTe HATE telling really good guys no. I always feel like I'm ripping their heart out (figuratively). This is the second really good guy that's approached me about a relationship aaaaand is a whole lot more like a brother in my eyes. I'm looking for a guy, don't get me wrong... but I'm not ever gonna tell a guy yes if i know i'm going to tell him no later. *sigh* I could honestly see myself getting married tomorrow... that is, if i found the right guy. (disclaimer: I wouldn't marry a guy that i had just met) I'd love nothing more than to marry young, after all, I've only got 10 more months 'til i can legally get hitched. (another disclaimer: i don't want to get married just to prove something, get out of something, or get away from something.) Some friends of mine and I were actually just talking about this topic yesterday, this and more... sensitive topics. I've now had two friends tell me out of the blue that they could see me getting married and having kids young... I find that interesting. A friend of mine just made a really big mistake, and doesn't think it was one. It tears me up... but there's not much i can do about it, i already gave said friend my take on it. epic epic fail. hmmm, if i only had a mind eraser...