I got a part time job... I've done it for a week now and I like it ok. I'm the janitor at the Christian school in town. It's chill. My parents don't like that I do it really late at night alot of the time, but I don't care.
I miss my brother alot... I don't think anything can be done about it but I feel that void keenly. I just about cried at bible study today when I talked about it, I don't know how/why I didn't.
I still really really want to find someone to help me with my burdens, and to just hold me, to be strong when I can't and shouldn't be. I want to fall so bad,  to just not have to stand any more. But I can't, there's too much resting on me that needs to happen, and too many people who need for me to be "ok". There's no explanation to me still standing other than gods grace, just enough to survive through each day. I need help, and I don't know where it will come from, but I hope God will provide it soon. I don't know how much longer I can take it. But I hope against hope for my future; that it will be better than now, that God will lead me to something better than this current life. Also that I'll be provided with the proper love in my life, I need love really badly... and I'm not getting much.
Aaagh... God is incredibly good, and loving and faithful even when I fail, I know that. But why can't I see it? why haven't I seen him ever pull through for me? I want to see his goodness first-hand, not just know that it exists and is real. God, can you please pull through for me?... for once? yeah, I know you pulled through when you died... but I need you to show up personally in my life.

Night, 
<3 Alanna

Here is a trustworthy saying: If we died with him, we will also live with him; if we endure, we will also reign with him.  If we disown him, he will also disown us; if we are faithless,  he remains faithful, for he cannot disown himself. ~ 2 Timothy 2:11-13

I spilled my guts the other night to my friend about my life, and my future needs... it was interesting. she kind of just stayed silent and then changed the topic. It was nice to spill, and be heard for once in my life. I don't know if I'm understood but i was at least heard. I told her the reasons that I've had to be strong my whole life, and how all I've EVER wanted was/is someone who will and can be strong for me, someone who loves me enough to let me fall into their arms and cry, for the first time ever. My life is overwhelming, but i've always managed to hold it back just enough that people don't see how bad it is. I don't hide me, but I hide my pain and my wounds (they're not scars yet and they won't be soon, I still have excruciating pain.) I need to get my pain out, to have a helper who can carry some for me. I'm more than willing to carry their pain too... but I need someone who loves me, for me, and for real. I've had people of three sorts before:
a) they don't love me.
b) they say they love me but don't.
c) they truly love me but cant or won't do anything about it.

*Sigh* I'm lost in so many ways apart from my identity in Christ.

Today I was kind of a spoiled brat for a bit.(ok I started my period too, so it's explainable... but still... I usually don't do that.) Stefan and I are leading worship for youth group tomorrow night, and I didn't think about the fact that he's the one in charge of it. Like he took some of my input, but he was ultimately the boss (rightfully so, but somehow I pictured like a team dealio). I REALLY dislike one of the songs he chose, and well... I let him know in no uncertain terms. I got called a diva and chewed out for it. As sucky as it is, my one high horse is music and when I don't like a song there are legit reasons. but we're doing it, and I'll deal. I really hope I didn't come across as a spoiled brat who just wants her way :/
On other notes, I think one of my guy friends is planning to pursue me... don't ask me why, but I usually see these types of things coming for months. I don't know yet what I would think of that... but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

well, g'night, sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs nibble on your toes.
<3 Alanna