I... am broken

I'm capable of an insane amount, true. But I'm head on with the currently unmovable situation. I'm doing the most I possibly can while I keep myself breathing. There are things that I can not change, I don't have to like them. I do my best to be joyful in my "freedom" but life sucks. I'm pretty good at being "ok" though. I'm told I've touched/am touching lives, but no one's bothered to try and touch mine. Because of my forced joy, everyone thinks I'm fine with no need for love. But really, I need love even more than those who are obviously broken, because I'm so broken that I'm not even ok with letting it out/show. My mind tells me, has always told me, that it's not ok for me to break, that I can't be really broken because I have Freedom and Joy from Christ. I see it as some fault of my own that I'm not strong enough, not showing enough faith or looking enough. I want to sit for a year in a loving, real embrace to just cry and heal. Without letting out my brokenness I can't heal, and I can't let that out until I find someone who's already full enough, not needing from me. Someone who will give without being asked, someone who will truly love me. Right now I'm the giver. Helping others to be filled and heal. I have needs bigger than theirs... I'm just the stronger one. My brothers are both gone, away with the military for at least 4 years. My mother has no job. My father doesn't make enough to live on. My parents marriage isn't looking good. Neither of my parents has a single close friend... I don't really either. My oldest brother barely even talks to us any more. I lost the only job I managed to get. I hold this freaking family together. I'll barely even begin on my "friends" and peers, I'm the only reason some of them are sober. I'm the one who won't let them throw away their purity, I hold them after they're stupid, and when they get cut down. They tell me that they feel like everything will be ok when I hug them, hold them. I've only named the very surface of the surface of the things I bear.  I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE... but yet I still am... I'm like my freaking car, only I run for years after empty... not just miles. My physical body itself is falling apart. I'm convinced it has everything to do with the fact that I'm dying on the inside. My body is just copying my emotions. I'm in pain... But don't worry, I'll be "ok".

ps: the writing on my arm (ironically) right now says "I...am ok" I think it's just another one of my stupid ways to convince myself that I am the problem and that it's all in my head. That I just need to change myself.

Loved much by only one.
Scarred, Bruised, Pained, Stretched, and Broken,
Alanna