Robot (with no batteries)

I can't do this anymore. I've been exactly what I've "needed" to be, what I thought I was supposed to be. But it's not me. There's a girl who I was made to be... and I'm not her. I'm in a world where I'm lost even though I have Jesus, it makes no sense. I hide every conceivable bit of pain that I can, and put on fake "perfection in imperfection"... I'm a robot. I can't remember the last time I cried before tonight. I've become so good at pain that I can mask my every emotion. I know that, and I'm trying to train myself to be more human again. I may be a robot... but one with dead or missing batteries. There's absolutely no reason that I'm still functioning.
I don't know why God couldn't have taken me this weekend, just let me break my neck and be done with it.
I'm at a place where I don't even care what my "great future" is... or if I'm impacting people, or even if I have some huge purpose down the line. I just. don't. care anymore. I can't care, if I do I'll kill myself. I've got too much on my plate and none of it is good... or even healthy, and more just keeps getting added to it.
I want to be in a world of beauty... but I'm stuck with only pain.

I can't even stand, but I'm forced to run.
I cant breathe, but I'm singing.
I can't move, but I'm fighting.
I can't speak, but I'm praying.
My voice is gone, but I'm screaming.
My heartbeat has stopped, but I'm still loving.

I. am. done.

Owwchie!!!

Question: how is it possible to hurt this much after almost breaking your neck?

Reason for question: I almost broke my neck last night.

Story behind question: Well I was tubing (on an ice/snow tubing hill) I hit a jump weird somehow and ended up with my feet way too far over my head riding on my face/neck for about 3 feet. doesn't sound like that big of a deal, but I legitly thought I was dead for about 4 seconds... then the pain set in and I heard people around me. Ian: "Are you ok!?!?" Some other male: *to the people at the top* "Hold up! We've got an injury!". I couldn't breath... not a breath. but somehow I said "I'm ok" got up, walked over to a bench (which was made out of skis, awesome!) and I couldn't breathe for about 45 seconds. I think there were some tears on my face out of pure pain but they were gone quickly... even though everything still hurt like a... um... it hurt. I don't know just why I didn't die... from the locations of the scrapes I don't know how my head's still on. Everyone thought I was dead... no joke.
But, I lived, and everything is still the same as it was. Few people notice/care about my pain, and few people have said that they're glad I survived...

Reason I'm alive: (well obviously Jesus) Before I left the room to go tubing I told my girls (jokingly) to pray for me, "that I didn't die"... I found out later that they actually did. I really and truly think that's the only reason my neck and/or back isn't broken. I half regret asking for that prayer... half, because if I'd died... I would be in heaven right now, out of all pain.

Theory: I guess for some bizarre reason God still wants me on this planet. We will have to see why.

Pick me, Choose me, Love me.

^... It's a sentiment that isn't often expressed, One that's laughed at at times... But it's something that everyone wants. I want to be seen (for who I really am), desired, known, chosen, pursued, and loved. I'm worth that... even though people may not see that, because they don't take the time to see me, let alone know me.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm good with Jesus as my all. He said that he'll give me the desires of my heart... I desire to be loved, truly loved. I've been seen... a few times. I've been loved by a few people. I've been desired by some. I've even been pursued a couple times... but I've never had all of the above. I'm a strong, tough, ridiculous girl at times... but alot of that is because it's what I've had to be to survive.
I care about other people more than they would ever know... and they just brush off my love like it's a stray hair on their jacket. It makes me want to be cold toward people... but I can't, I'm not wired that way. I'll keep on loving everyone -especially those who are close to me- and trusting that God has the people lined up who will want and love me for me... and of course the Jesus in me.
I'm not your typical princes or damsel in distress, I usually slay my own dragons. But I still want to be saved from my tower. It's a thousand feet high and I'm encased in a glass coffin... I'm still waiting for my perfect first kiss (don't shoot me down).
I want a prince charming who's... not so princely, I hope he rides a motorcycle instead of a white stallion, and has a soft heart of gold under a tough exterior. I want him to be in love with Jesus even more than me. He can be quiet, but I want a crazy rebel.
I want to be the first pick, and for all of the other girls to be jealous of ME (for once). I usually end up being the unnoticed one while other girls get the attentions of the guys I thought I was interested in.

But, to my future man: pick me, choose me, love me

<3 Alanna

Weak people have life easier

I see people who think they're so strong, and that their lives are super hard... when in reality, they're just weak and outwardly emotional. They break down over little things, it's the end of their world (every time) and everyone feels super bad for them. I could be slightly wrong on this... and this doesn't apply to all weak people, but this is my perspective. I watch other people cry and I feel bad, I hear what it's all about and do my best to be who I need to be for them... but I can't help but think the majority of the time "are you serious?... that's all it is?" I hold the pain from years in and on me... and sure I need to cry like none other, but I don't really cry. When I do it's from extreme pain or stupid moments of weakness (ones that last for like 4.3 seconds) I want to break down, I want to allow myself weakness... but for that I need someone to be strong for me.
I was told the other day that I pull the "girl card" every chance I get. I wanted to stand up and scream right on the spot. But I kept my cool and asked why the opinion... I love and respect the guy who said it greatly, but he doesn't know what the HELL he's talking about! I do know, every time I pull it. It's on purpose, and very obvious. But for each time I pull it, there are about 3700 times that I don't. I am strong so damn much that I almost don't know how to be weak anymore... It's something I'm working on, and one of the things I want the most. But Like I said before, I need a person whom I know I can trust, someone to be strong for me.
I. can't. break. not now, and it doesn't look like anytime soon. I look so weak sometimes but when I do, know that it's because I can't hold a strong face which is incredibly rare for me. I'm good at acting, I'm incredible at being "happy" and "carefree" ... and even when I fail at looking strong, I still succeed in incredible ways in strength. My weakness is still stronger than anyone knows. And even my small failures in that area, are carefully mapped out in my head before I release them. When you see weakness or vulnerability in me, please realize that it's much more than you think. If I show weakness, i'm dying on the inside. If I show trust or vulnerability to you, please run the other way if you're going to decide not to give a damn later on. I'm usually pretty good at reading people... I just hate using it to my advantage. So even if I think I can trust you, I usually won't make a motion of trust until you give me some reason to think that you care. So by all means,if you want to, please be my strong person... so that I can be weak.

The loss of something I never had

Insecurities have bee re-arising in me this last week, ones I haven't been forced to see since high-school. I realized that I really don't have any sort of friend base or network who would be there for me if I broke apart. Like, if I got in a car wreck, who would actually show up at the hospital as soon as they heard?... I can think of one or two... but the people who I care the most about, I'm not so sure they would. I don't know if people actually like me for who I am, or if they just put up with me and pretend they want me in their lives. I'm feeling left out, like I'm with a click, but not on the inside. It's weird to feel like the odd woman out again, the one who's just "there" not really hated or dis-invited, but not missed when I'm gone or specifically invited. I feel ignored unloved and unwanted... like an outcast from those whom I want friendship from the most. Most of my friends live together, eat together, go to class together, and are friends with each-other... and then there's me, Alanna, that chick who has weird jobs and no life. The one who still lives with her parents and is younger than the rest.
To top that off I've never been on a date or been kissed or anything of the sort... I've been pursued, but I wasn't interested in any of the guys who were actually interested. Try that on for feeling desirable.
My brother's still gone, my back still hurts, and I'm too scared to ask for help because I don't want to be turned down or despised for it.
I'm sorry if I just sound like a big lonely whiner... but I AM lonely, I DO feel forgotten, and I WANT love.
To quote a song: We all wanna be loved, we all want just a little respect. Tell me what's wrong with that?

I know God won't suddenly "find me" and be like "oh, that's where I left you... I forgot about that." but at the same time, I feel like he's playing some cruel game of peek-a-boo.
Call it what you will, but I call it: I've got to get out of here.

I just want to go to California and start anew with my friend base, have people who can meet me and form their opinions from just what they see and nothing else. I'd like that, to be on an equal playing field for once. Not just some random person from some random place trying to be in an already established group. I think I'd be liked... and even loved for who I am, unlike I am here.

Tell me what's wrong with that?

Rage unleashed?...

I was thinking today about a friend I have who has a story similar to mine, and also stuffs many of her emotions. I'm often shocked by the fact that she's not afraid to get violent with people, not out of meanness, but out of fun/goofy rage... I could be really rough on people, and most likely win... but I feel like a complete and total jerk when I hurt people, even out of fun. I can't stand to inflict pain on people even when they do deserve it... I don't really know why. Maybe it's my own stupid pain raising it's head again and again in my life... Idk, just saying. But I know that when I do need to take out rage, about 19 out of 20 times I unleash it on myself. Mentally trashing myself, of allowing the Devil to work his roots in all over the place with my self confidence. I almost like it when I fall and get bruised, or have a head-ache so bad I can't hold my smile even if I want to. Not because I like the pain or falling, I actually hate it, but when I have something physical that is causing some good pain it gives me time where people at least understand that I have some pain, even if it's just a little bruise. People don't deserve pain (per say) but they get it anyway, some people let it all come rushing out whenever it exists, and get lots of attention for it. While others (like me) hide literal years of pain on and in them. People don't really feel bad for me, and it's my own fault I guess... but I want someone who sees my pain and calls it like it is. Someone who's ok with letting me cry and die in their arms. Because if and when I do let my pain break loose, there's an avalanche of it waiting to get out, so it could be interesting.

My heart is beating in my head, I can't get it out. I feel like there's a vice grip on my skull, along with chisels and needles and screw drivers and a giant kick drum. I can almost not think about doing anything but popping a whole bottle of drugs just to make the pain go away.
WHY? why is this happening? I thought my physical AND emotional pain was as bad as it could be... and today it's even worse.
Why doesn't God just take this away? pull through for me for once?... I don't know ANYTHING, but I want to know nothing. I want to just be stolen away into some magical kingdom of bliss. I wouldn't care if I never came back. Even though there are a few good things here, I would trade them all just to be pain free, to be rid of all of my junk. I really wanted to flip my car the other day... for no particular reason, my head just kept saying that it was a good idea. Obviously I didn't... and I'm not suicidal. but I would love to go home.