Rage unleashed?...

I was thinking today about a friend I have who has a story similar to mine, and also stuffs many of her emotions. I'm often shocked by the fact that she's not afraid to get violent with people, not out of meanness, but out of fun/goofy rage... I could be really rough on people, and most likely win... but I feel like a complete and total jerk when I hurt people, even out of fun. I can't stand to inflict pain on people even when they do deserve it... I don't really know why. Maybe it's my own stupid pain raising it's head again and again in my life... Idk, just saying. But I know that when I do need to take out rage, about 19 out of 20 times I unleash it on myself. Mentally trashing myself, of allowing the Devil to work his roots in all over the place with my self confidence. I almost like it when I fall and get bruised, or have a head-ache so bad I can't hold my smile even if I want to. Not because I like the pain or falling, I actually hate it, but when I have something physical that is causing some good pain it gives me time where people at least understand that I have some pain, even if it's just a little bruise. People don't deserve pain (per say) but they get it anyway, some people let it all come rushing out whenever it exists, and get lots of attention for it. While others (like me) hide literal years of pain on and in them. People don't really feel bad for me, and it's my own fault I guess... but I want someone who sees my pain and calls it like it is. Someone who's ok with letting me cry and die in their arms. Because if and when I do let my pain break loose, there's an avalanche of it waiting to get out, so it could be interesting.

My heart is beating in my head, I can't get it out. I feel like there's a vice grip on my skull, along with chisels and needles and screw drivers and a giant kick drum. I can almost not think about doing anything but popping a whole bottle of drugs just to make the pain go away.
WHY? why is this happening? I thought my physical AND emotional pain was as bad as it could be... and today it's even worse.
Why doesn't God just take this away? pull through for me for once?... I don't know ANYTHING, but I want to know nothing. I want to just be stolen away into some magical kingdom of bliss. I wouldn't care if I never came back. Even though there are a few good things here, I would trade them all just to be pain free, to be rid of all of my junk. I really wanted to flip my car the other day... for no particular reason, my head just kept saying that it was a good idea. Obviously I didn't... and I'm not suicidal. but I would love to go home.