There's a girl who cries out on the inside, but still manages to hold on to her smile. She loves as much as she can, and get's little back. She longs to be held by someone who will never want to let go. When she prays, it's short, honest, authentic and to the point. She knows she has a savior, but has always wanted to feel his individual touch. When she laughs no one is to know if it's real or not. When she cries she does it alone. When she feels lonely she has almost no one to call. When she feels like dancing she has no one but herself to do it with. She has dreams the size of the moon, but chances as small as her fingernail. When she looks around she usually doesn't like what she sees, but underneath it all she sees so much potential. When she asks for things she is often turned down, but when asked for things she seldom turns others down. When she is abused, she's strong enough to stand up for herself, but she longs for someone to stand up for her. She sees through so many fake things and wants to always see what's true. She shuns facade and embraces what is different, and sometimes looked down upon. She wishes that everyone could understand what she understands, and wishes she could understand so much more. She cares nothing for numbers that put just one more thin facade on people. She wishes for world peace, but knows it'll never be. She wants nothing more than a real home, but that's not to ever be either. When she finds joy in things she is laughed at, and when she speaks the truth she is either ignored or spat upon. The people she loves the most are the ones who truly care for her, even though she wishes that they had more to give. (but what's to give if you have nothing?) When she sings people stop for a moment, only seeing what's on the surface, then continue on. Her strength comes not from within her. Her joy is her favorite possession. When it rains she yearns to dance in it, but she is usually running late. When the ice inside her is frozen, she is warm in spite of it. When she passes out from exhaustion she stays standing and functioning, because she knows she must. She understands what it's like to want to fall asleep and never wake up. Her car is always on empty, because she can't afford to fill it. When she talks to people she is kind and respectful, even when they show none of that back to her. When she makes jokes no one laughs. But when people actually take the time to talk to her seriously, they see that she is beautiful inside and out.

I see her often, she looks ok on the outside, but i see in her eyes what is really true... she can't wait to go home, but she makes the best of what she has, and hasn't got.

Never Home

Life... It's an interesting thing. All I've ever want was a "home" but I know I won't get it till after all of this. I might get a pretty house someday with a great husband, happy kids, a fantastic church and friends... but I still won't be home. I think it's a human thing to feel unsettled, yearning for more, feeling rejected and unhappy, like there's something more that the world has to offer and it's so close but so far away. We always feel like "if I just get this" or "as soon as that happens" then I'll be happy. This is not the case. As long as we're stuck with gravity to this earth, we'll want more. Because some deep unknown secret part in all of us knows that there is something more, somewhere that we just can't seem to find. Some of us find a little piece of it, and that just makes us want the rest so much more. Others of us know there has got to be something better, a home, a place where we belong and are wanted. Because face it, that's all any of us have ever wanted, to belong, to be wanted for who we are, to be loved and be able to give love in return. We might find small pieces of it, small havens and beautiful masterpieces of art hidden away for us here. But nothing will ever fully fulfill us. Every one of us, whether we know it or not, knows, feels, senses, that this, this place called earth that we call home, will never be a perfect fit for us. Life is a short (but it feels so long) night in a very bad hotel. This is just a crappy appetizer before the real feast, so keep your fork, we ain't done yet. There are some that will never get to see the feast, in fact, this crappy appetizer is the closest they'll ever get to home, after eating this (the ever unsatisfying appetizer, in which at times we taste small lumps of sugar, though it's mostly bitter), they get cast out the door. Even though they only ever made it to the waiting room, they get thrown out into the dark to never see any light or joy at all. They've only gotten little hints of what could have been. I thank God that I'll get to go into the actual house, the actual Home, into the banquet hall for the real feast. That is why I'm restless, that is why I don't feel at home, I'm not yet. I probably have years to go, though I'd love nothing more than to go right now! but all in his timing I guess. I could do my best to look at home act at home and feel at home, but why bother? I'm not there, why pretend that I am? I know I'll do my best to make a "home" for myself here (it's human nature, I can't help it.) but whenever it's painfully obvious to me that I'm not happy, not wanted and not at any real home, that's when I have to tell myself, the best is yet to come.


Love,
Discontented, Not home, but still hoping,
Alanna


All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them. - Hebrews 11:13-16