Never Home

Life... It's an interesting thing. All I've ever want was a "home" but I know I won't get it till after all of this. I might get a pretty house someday with a great husband, happy kids, a fantastic church and friends... but I still won't be home. I think it's a human thing to feel unsettled, yearning for more, feeling rejected and unhappy, like there's something more that the world has to offer and it's so close but so far away. We always feel like "if I just get this" or "as soon as that happens" then I'll be happy. This is not the case. As long as we're stuck with gravity to this earth, we'll want more. Because some deep unknown secret part in all of us knows that there is something more, somewhere that we just can't seem to find. Some of us find a little piece of it, and that just makes us want the rest so much more. Others of us know there has got to be something better, a home, a place where we belong and are wanted. Because face it, that's all any of us have ever wanted, to belong, to be wanted for who we are, to be loved and be able to give love in return. We might find small pieces of it, small havens and beautiful masterpieces of art hidden away for us here. But nothing will ever fully fulfill us. Every one of us, whether we know it or not, knows, feels, senses, that this, this place called earth that we call home, will never be a perfect fit for us. Life is a short (but it feels so long) night in a very bad hotel. This is just a crappy appetizer before the real feast, so keep your fork, we ain't done yet. There are some that will never get to see the feast, in fact, this crappy appetizer is the closest they'll ever get to home, after eating this (the ever unsatisfying appetizer, in which at times we taste small lumps of sugar, though it's mostly bitter), they get cast out the door. Even though they only ever made it to the waiting room, they get thrown out into the dark to never see any light or joy at all. They've only gotten little hints of what could have been. I thank God that I'll get to go into the actual house, the actual Home, into the banquet hall for the real feast. That is why I'm restless, that is why I don't feel at home, I'm not yet. I probably have years to go, though I'd love nothing more than to go right now! but all in his timing I guess. I could do my best to look at home act at home and feel at home, but why bother? I'm not there, why pretend that I am? I know I'll do my best to make a "home" for myself here (it's human nature, I can't help it.) but whenever it's painfully obvious to me that I'm not happy, not wanted and not at any real home, that's when I have to tell myself, the best is yet to come.


Love,
Discontented, Not home, but still hoping,
Alanna


All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them. - Hebrews 11:13-16