Insecurities have bee re-arising in me this last week, ones I haven't been forced to see since high-school. I realized that I really don't have any sort of friend base or network who would be there for me if I broke apart. Like, if I got in a car wreck, who would actually show up at the hospital as soon as they heard?... I can think of one or two... but the people who I care the most about, I'm not so sure they would. I don't know if people actually like me for who I am, or if they just put up with me and pretend they want me in their lives. I'm feeling left out, like I'm with a click, but not on the inside. It's weird to feel like the odd woman out again, the one who's just "there" not really hated or dis-invited, but not missed when I'm gone or specifically invited. I feel ignored unloved and unwanted... like an outcast from those whom I want friendship from the most. Most of my friends live together, eat together, go to class together, and are friends with each-other... and then there's me, Alanna, that chick who has weird jobs and no life. The one who still lives with her parents and is younger than the rest.
To top that off I've never been on a date or been kissed or anything of the sort... I've been pursued, but I wasn't interested in any of the guys who were actually interested. Try that on for feeling desirable.
My brother's still gone, my back still hurts, and I'm too scared to ask for help because I don't want to be turned down or despised for it.
I'm sorry if I just sound like a big lonely whiner... but I AM lonely, I DO feel forgotten, and I WANT love.
To quote a song: We all wanna be loved, we all want just a little respect. Tell me what's wrong with that?
I know God won't suddenly "find me" and be like "oh, that's where I left you... I forgot about that." but at the same time, I feel like he's playing some cruel game of peek-a-boo.
Call it what you will, but I call it: I've got to get out of here.
I just want to go to California and start anew with my friend base, have people who can meet me and form their opinions from just what they see and nothing else. I'd like that, to be on an equal playing field for once. Not just some random person from some random place trying to be in an already established group. I think I'd be liked... and even loved for who I am, unlike I am here.
Tell me what's wrong with that?
To top that off I've never been on a date or been kissed or anything of the sort... I've been pursued, but I wasn't interested in any of the guys who were actually interested. Try that on for feeling desirable.
My brother's still gone, my back still hurts, and I'm too scared to ask for help because I don't want to be turned down or despised for it.
I'm sorry if I just sound like a big lonely whiner... but I AM lonely, I DO feel forgotten, and I WANT love.
To quote a song: We all wanna be loved, we all want just a little respect. Tell me what's wrong with that?
I know God won't suddenly "find me" and be like "oh, that's where I left you... I forgot about that." but at the same time, I feel like he's playing some cruel game of peek-a-boo.
Call it what you will, but I call it: I've got to get out of here.
I just want to go to California and start anew with my friend base, have people who can meet me and form their opinions from just what they see and nothing else. I'd like that, to be on an equal playing field for once. Not just some random person from some random place trying to be in an already established group. I think I'd be liked... and even loved for who I am, unlike I am here.
Tell me what's wrong with that?
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