I got a part time job... I've done it for a week now and I like it ok. I'm the janitor at the Christian school in town. It's chill. My parents don't like that I do it really late at night alot of the time, but I don't care.
I miss my brother alot... I don't think anything can be done about it but I feel that void keenly. I just about cried at bible study today when I talked about it, I don't know how/why I didn't.
I still really really want to find someone to help me with my burdens, and to just hold me, to be strong when I can't and shouldn't be. I want to fall so bad,  to just not have to stand any more. But I can't, there's too much resting on me that needs to happen, and too many people who need for me to be "ok". There's no explanation to me still standing other than gods grace, just enough to survive through each day. I need help, and I don't know where it will come from, but I hope God will provide it soon. I don't know how much longer I can take it. But I hope against hope for my future; that it will be better than now, that God will lead me to something better than this current life. Also that I'll be provided with the proper love in my life, I need love really badly... and I'm not getting much.
Aaagh... God is incredibly good, and loving and faithful even when I fail, I know that. But why can't I see it? why haven't I seen him ever pull through for me? I want to see his goodness first-hand, not just know that it exists and is real. God, can you please pull through for me?... for once? yeah, I know you pulled through when you died... but I need you to show up personally in my life.

Night, 
<3 Alanna

Here is a trustworthy saying: If we died with him, we will also live with him; if we endure, we will also reign with him.  If we disown him, he will also disown us; if we are faithless,  he remains faithful, for he cannot disown himself. ~ 2 Timothy 2:11-13