So yes, my back and neck are jacked up, my head usually hurts, my feet swell and hurt, and my emotions are agonizing... I wish I had less of a life, and I wish I had more of a life. I wish I had more people in my life, but more than that I want the right people in my life. I want to own nice things, but I'd rather be in the right place. I want to know who my future is meant to be with. I want to have a life without so much physically rough work, so that my back won't be as bad... but I'm looking for a second job. I wish I could give my love without getting stomped on... I miss my brother. ... ALOT.
But right now I have to settle for what I have, I have to take what I get and be "joyful".
I was asked the other day buy a guy working on my back if I just put on a happy face, yes I do, and I'm pretty good at it too. I'm so used to the pain that I'm used to working around it and just making do. But I'd love to have a life someday where I don't have to settle for pain, hatred and discontentment. I don't think it's wrong to want to be provided for, and loved, and protected... sometimes I think that's entitled, but as a child of God, I'm worth that; not on my own... but in Christ. I was at Maranatha again this weekend, I usually can't help crying when I leave there, but I guess I've gotten even better at holding my tears in... I wanted to cry, I felt the tears inside, but I kept a flawless surface. It's that way with most of my emotions and when I do let myself be a little bit of a jerk, I feel like crap for treating other people the way that I'm treated. I keep seeing scripture talking about joy and such... and how our joy comes from Christ... I'm trying so hard to find joy in Christ and in who he is and who he's made me, and what he's done for me... but I legitimately can't find anything around me to be joyful for or about. Small hints come during many days, of things that could be... but I'm stuck in a life that's so full that it's empty. I keep having to look at what life's always been, and to be honest I get angry. Angry at what should be, angry at what never has been, and angry at what might never be. I hate having to stop and look at my pain, because it's so good... and so painful all at the same time. that kind of good pain that you love because you know it will make you better tomorrow. So, I want someone in my life who will call out of me my deepest pain, and call me on my silence... and love me through my pain. Someone who sees me for what I am, deeper than surface value. The idea is so good that it's almost scary to me, because it's so foreign. I'm a good actress, playing off my pain, hiding my emotions and scars. Stage makeup fixes and changes alot... but for me all it can do is hold me together, keep me from shattering.
<3 Alanna
But right now I have to settle for what I have, I have to take what I get and be "joyful".
I was asked the other day buy a guy working on my back if I just put on a happy face, yes I do, and I'm pretty good at it too. I'm so used to the pain that I'm used to working around it and just making do. But I'd love to have a life someday where I don't have to settle for pain, hatred and discontentment. I don't think it's wrong to want to be provided for, and loved, and protected... sometimes I think that's entitled, but as a child of God, I'm worth that; not on my own... but in Christ. I was at Maranatha again this weekend, I usually can't help crying when I leave there, but I guess I've gotten even better at holding my tears in... I wanted to cry, I felt the tears inside, but I kept a flawless surface. It's that way with most of my emotions and when I do let myself be a little bit of a jerk, I feel like crap for treating other people the way that I'm treated. I keep seeing scripture talking about joy and such... and how our joy comes from Christ... I'm trying so hard to find joy in Christ and in who he is and who he's made me, and what he's done for me... but I legitimately can't find anything around me to be joyful for or about. Small hints come during many days, of things that could be... but I'm stuck in a life that's so full that it's empty. I keep having to look at what life's always been, and to be honest I get angry. Angry at what should be, angry at what never has been, and angry at what might never be. I hate having to stop and look at my pain, because it's so good... and so painful all at the same time. that kind of good pain that you love because you know it will make you better tomorrow. So, I want someone in my life who will call out of me my deepest pain, and call me on my silence... and love me through my pain. Someone who sees me for what I am, deeper than surface value. The idea is so good that it's almost scary to me, because it's so foreign. I'm a good actress, playing off my pain, hiding my emotions and scars. Stage makeup fixes and changes alot... but for me all it can do is hold me together, keep me from shattering.
<3 Alanna
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