I hate it when people take my heart and take advantage of it. *thrown in the dirt, stomped on, ground into the gravel, run through a meat grinder, and tossed overboard* I can't help but think that it's not fair... which it's not... but It's still more than I deserve. I'm constantly re-gifting my heart, somehow I manage to get it back near one piece and then... do I learn? No. I give it back to the same people and the cycle replays itself over, and over, and over again. But yet... it never ceases to amaze me that, for some bazaar reason, I can't bring myself to want to keep it in my own hands. I want to share myself with the people who've been put in my way to (as I keep seeing it) love. I've almost lost my ability to cry... which is not good. Like, I often want to cry, and I have really good reasons... I've just gotten way too good at hiding it, and now... I almost can't cry even when I should. I want so badly to be wanted, and needed, and legitimately loved by someone... that I often want to just, leave. The thought and image of getting in my car with all i need and love, and just... driving away, is one of the things I've always dreamed about. Getting away from the people who so love to damage me. Finding a place to call my home... or maybe just being a wanderer. I don't know, but the thought is so attractive in my head.
I've been known to refer to this as "my car"... what would and wouldn't be in my car, who I might allow in my car... I want to have people in my car with me, but no one's on the list anymore/yet. They've either stomped on me, or express no interest of entering my car. They have enough problems of their own, and they don't want to drive away. I wish I had an excuse like the disciples, Jesus told them to follow, without any prep, any excuse, or any idea... I know it was probably hard for them... but I want nothing more than to follow Jesus to the end of the earth... I wouldn't care if I had to sleep on a rock. I'd just like to see a tiny light of direction in my life. If you want to be in my car... well, you'll have to ask me. If not, I really should be used to it by now. God is the only thing holding me together, even though I see none of it.

ps: I have to leave the house at 6:30 in the morning (this morning) to get my brother from the airport. He's got 14 days of leave for Christmas. I'm really under-enthusiastic. But you better know I'll put on my cute loving litter sister facade. I'd have to say the worst part of tomorrow will be having my mother along though, she acts like she has no clue, and spins all of the focus back to herself. I'm really inclined to hate her... I don't, but she does deserve it. (if you know my mother, you have no clue and think I'm a wretch right now. If you don't, you'll probably think she's great when you meet her... you just don't know my part) It's only the Christ in me allowing me to be in this house without making everyones lives more of a hell. And it's only him allowing me to keep giving love.

I apologize if this upsets anyone, but I'd love to explain if you actually care and enter the situation with an untainted perspective.