This week... oh, this week.

This has been one roller coaster of a week. Filled with crazy joy and love... as well as alot of pain and stabs in the back. I've been studying recently on what I'm supposed to "be" as a Christ follower, and making a list of things I'm supposed to be pursuing. At the top of the list is (duh) to be constantly striving to be closer to God... while this may sound somewhat simple... it is in actuality very very hard. Each time (ever) in my life that I've had a crazy high in which I see God's greatness and goodness, and I see that I have legitimate reason to follow him... It's never lasted long, and it's usually followed by months or years of junk. I can't help but think that if I was even the slightest bit weaker or less stubborn, I'd either a) have no trace of God in my life. b)have had more good times provided so that I could hold on easier. or c) offed myself a long time ago. I don't really care if that sounds biblical or not. But in my life... I've only kept holding to Christ because I didn't want to quit, I had no reason (that I perceived) to hold on a single day more... for years. Am I still here today? yes. Can I tell you why that is?... No. I've been in alot of darkness while holding up a perfect white facade throughout my whole life. I've been working hard to let go of and let out that pain, and to actually drop my walls to some of the world... it's not easy, it's not fun... But one of my stupid human desires is to be loved for who, what and, why I am. And I can't ever expect that... from anyone, unless I make the effort to let them see what I really am.
Now obviously, I am loved by God. He came as perfection because of his love for my stupid self. He died for me and in that gave me every reason to go on living to proclaim his name. He is good. He knows why I'm going through all of this shit stuff, and he can always hold me through it. ... but my life has been very... (or at least it feels this way) void of his attention and affection. I'm being an idiot... I know. But I've said it before and I'll say it again, this blog is for truth. NOT for me to be perfect and correct. Of the many places in my life that I have to hold myself together... this is the one where I don't bother to. I need a place to just get my stuff on a page, so this blog ends up being a bipolar mess depending on my head and life at current. I think everyone needs somewhere to do this, whether is be a trusted friend, straight to god, a journal or a blog or whatever... life sucks... even the most "blessed" of us have crappy times... but all I've got... is that God is good. I only say that because he says so, and he also tells us that he doesn't lie. I'm cleaving to God even when I can't feel him there or gain any comfort from him... He is my protector, my refuge, my strength and my all. Funny how my All can be the same God who's invisible and often absent feeling... but he manages it. And I'm trying to work my life around such.

Dear God, I love you. You alone keep/kept me alive for you. I'm your vessel, molded by you, made for you. That means that you can fill me or empty me, mend me or shatter me as you see fit. I don't often like it or have the right attitude about it, but you gave me breath to be used for you. Help me to reflect you even when I'm blinded, mute and broken. You say you'll not give me more than I can handle, that is your truth, and I choose to believe that to my end even when I feel as though you have. Help me to be your light in others lives that are being darkened by this world, so that they too can live for you, or even just take each next breath knowing that as despicable as this all is, you are still God, and you are still All. I'm yours, even though I'm wounded and messed up, please be yourself through me so that people can see me as a whole because of you. You saved me, you sustain me, and you aren't done with me yet. You. Are. Good. Thanks God.