I've been ignored most of my life, screamed at for the rest of it. When I am heard, it's exactly what I want people to hear, or they think I'm a liar. I have the fear of being invisible, ignored, and unseen. I'm usually that, and I'm growing more accustomed to it, but it still kills me. I tend to talk too much because of that, because I just want to be heard, no matter if it's significant or not. (Why would I say significant things to people if I cant even trust them with insignificant stories) I want to be heard, to be known for who I am and be able to let out the truth... but I've never gotten that. I want even just one person or group of people to be honest with, it'd make it so I didn't have to ramble so much.
I chew on the insides of my lips (and sometimes the outsides too) because I can't be that girl who cuts or has crazy makeup or anything else seen as awful. So that means my lips are in shreds from pain (physical and emotional), stress, deep thoughts (usually unexpressed), and not killing people when the abuse me.
I also write on my arms in code because it's the ONE way i can get my crap out. I hate my life for the most part and I have absolutely no one I feel safe letting out all of my past to.
I work too much because I hate my "home" and I just want out (aka: I don't have to be home while I'm working, and I can get the hell out of here once I have the finances) I fill the rest of my time for the same reason...
I don't sleep well, for who knows what reasons *cough* but I end up with a high of 4-5 hours a night, and to be honest girls actually do need "beauty sleep" to look ok, or even average... and girls, at least me for sure, legitly are delicate, as much as I despise that fact.
I want a better future, with people who care. I don't mind being shushed if I'm being dumb and the person does it in the right way... I actually want that, for people to be honest with me and tell the truth.
Yeah, I'm an awful person who sucks at life and has never actually had a best friend. I have the pain from my whole life inside of me. I want to be safe and protected from all of the junk I have to face EVERY DAY... but I'm the "strong" one here. I only just this week started actually telling people when I'm in really bad pain, I'm REALLY GOOD at putting on a flawless face, appearing happy and care free. But I want nothing more than to break, to pour my pain all over the ground and the people around me... I just... can't. Because of all of the stupid things people expect of me, all of the things that have been pounded into me forever.
So feel free to tell me when I need to shut up if you actually care enough to do it right... Or better yet, if you care even more than "enough" ask for the truth... ask to know my code, and actually give a shit about my life. I'll be the gut listener in return, in fact I love to be that person for others... I just need a shot at being normal... at being alive.
I chew on the insides of my lips (and sometimes the outsides too) because I can't be that girl who cuts or has crazy makeup or anything else seen as awful. So that means my lips are in shreds from pain (physical and emotional), stress, deep thoughts (usually unexpressed), and not killing people when the abuse me.
I also write on my arms in code because it's the ONE way i can get my crap out. I hate my life for the most part and I have absolutely no one I feel safe letting out all of my past to.
I work too much because I hate my "home" and I just want out (aka: I don't have to be home while I'm working, and I can get the hell out of here once I have the finances) I fill the rest of my time for the same reason...
I don't sleep well, for who knows what reasons *cough* but I end up with a high of 4-5 hours a night, and to be honest girls actually do need "beauty sleep" to look ok, or even average... and girls, at least me for sure, legitly are delicate, as much as I despise that fact.
I want a better future, with people who care. I don't mind being shushed if I'm being dumb and the person does it in the right way... I actually want that, for people to be honest with me and tell the truth.
Yeah, I'm an awful person who sucks at life and has never actually had a best friend. I have the pain from my whole life inside of me. I want to be safe and protected from all of the junk I have to face EVERY DAY... but I'm the "strong" one here. I only just this week started actually telling people when I'm in really bad pain, I'm REALLY GOOD at putting on a flawless face, appearing happy and care free. But I want nothing more than to break, to pour my pain all over the ground and the people around me... I just... can't. Because of all of the stupid things people expect of me, all of the things that have been pounded into me forever.
So feel free to tell me when I need to shut up if you actually care enough to do it right... Or better yet, if you care even more than "enough" ask for the truth... ask to know my code, and actually give a shit about my life. I'll be the gut listener in return, in fact I love to be that person for others... I just need a shot at being normal... at being alive.
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