*sigh* I hate/love it so much when God convicts me of my idiocy. He does it over and over and I forget time and time again. I've often looked for my value in other people... and always ended up hurt and insecure with negative images of myself ingrained forever... but each time, when I've been lower than should even exist, God grabs me by the shoulders and shakes me saying into my head, "Why? why do you constantly feel like you need to search for more? You already found the true "all". I think you're beautiful just how you are because, get this, I MADE YOU LIKE THAT. You aren't supposed to be feeling lost and depressed... you're right where I left you and I will be your joy." I'm filled with negative ideas about myself that affect the way I function. I'm always trying to measure up to this world's standards of "good enough" when in all reality Christ purified me and made me right in his eyes... I'm not ever going to be good enough... but he'll do it for me if I just stop trying to grab the script out of his hands. I always get it into my head that God won't come through for me... that I'm just stuck in a hell hole called earth until he takes me home... NO. I'm such an idiot! He DIED so I don't have to go to hell... I'm not in it, and I shouldn't act like I am. He freed me from my bondage but I still keep finding ways to put it back on. Baugh! Why can't I just be content with discovering more of him everyday? and forgetting about the world's image of me and "the me I should be"...
I'm not happy with where I am, but he did put me here for some reason. So who am I to say that he's got my life wrong?... I'm the clay he's the potter. It's not my place to tell him that i don't like my design or the wheel I'm on... he gets to decide all of that. I GET to serve him and allow his love to flow through me, and I'm trying to switch my focuses around to allow him to do whatever he wants through me. I don't give him the credit he deserves or demands... And whenever I happen to do something right... I pat myself on the back and get all excited for what I've managed to achieve. I've got it all wrong, all the time I catch this in myself. But I am nothing! I am nothing... but Christ is willing to work with my nothing to show others his something. He really does just get better and better in my eyes every single time I catch myself messing it all up again.
So listen, if you see me being a complete tool, please tell me. I fail... alot.
I'd like to improve in my fellowship with God and my reliance on his perfection and grace
I'm not really all that jazzed about my life, but I'm doing my best to work with what I've got. I'm really confused right now (this is the part where I poor out my stupid doubts) I'm in a niche in life that I feel is not right. I've tried to run, jump, crawl, dig and finagle my way out. I thought all of these were things God would want, but where am I? right here in the niche. The only way I can get out is if God takes me out... and the only way he can take me out is if I do what I'm supposed to be doing right now, right where I'm at. It's tough being a girl with all of the stupid ideas in my head of what I should be and where I should go and who I should be with... My emotions (yeah, those scary things that people have) get so confused that my mind turns all of it's focus to them, and I can't sleep, I forget to eat... I feel like a retard all the time.
Sorry If you read this post expecting something deep or un-shallow... I really needed to get some of my thoughts onto a page so that I can hopefully get to sleep... for the grand total of 4 hours :/ I'm babysitting most of the day, then I have an all nighter to pull... then I have to go to Windsor for a bridal shower. I might just die. But... I'm going to bed. Goodnight!
<3 Alanna
I'm not happy with where I am, but he did put me here for some reason. So who am I to say that he's got my life wrong?... I'm the clay he's the potter. It's not my place to tell him that i don't like my design or the wheel I'm on... he gets to decide all of that. I GET to serve him and allow his love to flow through me, and I'm trying to switch my focuses around to allow him to do whatever he wants through me. I don't give him the credit he deserves or demands... And whenever I happen to do something right... I pat myself on the back and get all excited for what I've managed to achieve. I've got it all wrong, all the time I catch this in myself. But I am nothing! I am nothing... but Christ is willing to work with my nothing to show others his something. He really does just get better and better in my eyes every single time I catch myself messing it all up again.
So listen, if you see me being a complete tool, please tell me. I fail... alot.
I'd like to improve in my fellowship with God and my reliance on his perfection and grace
I'm not really all that jazzed about my life, but I'm doing my best to work with what I've got. I'm really confused right now (this is the part where I poor out my stupid doubts) I'm in a niche in life that I feel is not right. I've tried to run, jump, crawl, dig and finagle my way out. I thought all of these were things God would want, but where am I? right here in the niche. The only way I can get out is if God takes me out... and the only way he can take me out is if I do what I'm supposed to be doing right now, right where I'm at. It's tough being a girl with all of the stupid ideas in my head of what I should be and where I should go and who I should be with... My emotions (yeah, those scary things that people have) get so confused that my mind turns all of it's focus to them, and I can't sleep, I forget to eat... I feel like a retard all the time.
Sorry If you read this post expecting something deep or un-shallow... I really needed to get some of my thoughts onto a page so that I can hopefully get to sleep... for the grand total of 4 hours :/ I'm babysitting most of the day, then I have an all nighter to pull... then I have to go to Windsor for a bridal shower. I might just die. But... I'm going to bed. Goodnight!
<3 Alanna
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